Written in 2013
I wanted to go out and get a rush. But I decided to stay home and start a blog.
First: “God for me is not a guy that lives in the sky, and controls us. God is within us. And yes I am God, I control and create my life from within, with my thoughts. I have the magic. And so do you”.
You know that moment, when you are walking on the street and see someone talking to himself, and you look at your friend, and make a weird “check this crazy guy” face. This probably happened to you before, it did to me.. But today, I was thinking…How full must his life be? He is so advanced that he can have an honest conversation with himself, he is never alone or lonely. He is smiling. He does not care what you or anyone else thinks of him, because he has it all figured out with himself. He is free. But still, we react like that, pointing fingers… Then we come home and post a quote on our face-book wall: “Don’t care what anybody thinks, those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”. But we don’t really walk the talk, do we? Because we are so caught up in all: the should be, and dreaming of a could be… Where are you in your life? When was the last time you had a conversation with your inner self? Do you feel like your life is meaningful, are you satisfied? Or you always crave for something? Always searching for something that would make you feel alive, that little rush that makes you feel good for a certain amount of time? Always searching for something or someone, who would make you feel whole. We think that when we will find that special person, we will finally be happy? We are always talking about soul mates and how we need someone. And waiting for them to come and save us.. We cry when we are lonely or hurt because well nobody loves us and understands us, and they all leave… If only “God” could send someone who will be different, who will make all this better. Someone who would kiss me, hug me and tell me that everything will be al right.. Me, me, me… The truth is, if you are asking yourself all those questions, you are not ready for a person like that, because you would not see them; you would not cherish their love. The thing is, that deep down inside of you there is a person, a soul that is neglected-ignored by the one he/she needs most and that someone is YOU.
A really special person told me this a few days ago:
“Imagine that your soul is a 5 year-old you, a little girl who is really attached to you. And all she wants is your love and attention. But when was the last time you told her that you love her? She is your soul, and she is craving for your love and attention, but you ignore it. She is crying to be loved and cherished and listened to, but you keep telling her that she is fucked up and too complicated to be understood, always making the same mistakes. You have no relationship with yourself what so ever”..
We often ask ourselves, why I always get the kind of person that hurts me, why don’t they love me…and when I get the one that cherish me, and is there for me all the time…the rush is gone. We say to them, we are not in love any more and that we are searching for something else, something more. We don’t really want to hurt another person, and we think there must be something wrong with us for letting them go. We put them in the friend-zone, and search for someone who treats us like we treat our soul. We crave for attention of someone, who does not care for us, and then we make up these dreams in our minds of how perfect it would be if they would only see us. If they would only know how special and good you can be, they would love you and never leave your side, you want them to want you. Rings a bell? But when you get them, sooner or later the butterflies are gone. Because we crave for something our inner self is familiar with. So if you want love to be true and the butterflies to be present all the way, first you need to love yourself, talk with yourself, don’t care if the whole world thinks you went mental. Because the most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. Now I finally get that quote: If you don’t love yourself you cannot love anybody else. It’s not in narcissistic way. It does not matter how you look, or what you pretend to be, it’s what you think of yourself, it’s how good you know yourself and how well you treat your soul. Have you ever seen a person and instantly respect and admire them, because they radiated this special energy that you just could not get enough? They were happy and comfortable with themselves..and you were attracted instantly. You were drawn to them. They are beautiful, not because of how they dress or what make-up they wear, but just because of who they are. So next time I see a person talking with himself. I will think, well good for him. He has my respect.
We go out and get drunk because at that moment we stop thinking, it feels good, we are having fun and we don’t care about anything..we have a one night stand and feel satisfaction for a while. But all that is soon gone…when you wake up in the morning having a bad hangover, feeling like shit and you are still not whole. How many times have you said this is the last time, but did it again next week?..Or even, that is the highlight of your week, because you need to feel something, and in that state it feels like you actually do. We go and buy ourselves pretty clothes and make pretty pictures, so we will impress. We go and we travel somewhere and say it will be different there. I will start over, but the thing is you don’t need to go anywhere. You have here and now. Start over! It’s so easy to fall into this pattern. And I’m not saying that all those things are bad. It’s just that they would be so much more fun and true and amazing if we would do them with our soul. Literally.
And she said: “If you will have enough love for yourself, the cup will be more than full, you will give away love just for fun and freely, and you will not subconsciously, not to mention, even consciously expect that it will ever be returned. And you know what, when you will be in that kind of place, love will come from all around, freely, just like you always wanted. That is the magic that your inner child will do and can do.”
Thank you my friend. That was the best advice you could give me. I feel like you gave me a gift. So I wrote this blog, in case that some lost soul, might also find some answers.. <3
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